Support Squad
As a baby loss parent, one of the most common things you will hear or feel from your community is “I want to help you, but I don’t know how…” This is totally normal, and before Maisie, I would have felt the same way. Because no one is prepared to lose a child, you might not even know what you need or when you need it. My biggest learning is to listen to your body and your intuition, and unapologetically state your needs. Because this is about survival.
As everyone grieves and mourns differently, I only offer my perspective from what Ryan and I found helpful from our support systems. In the immediate aftermath of Maisie’s passing, I did not want to talk to anyone besides Ryan and our doctors. The recovery from a long labor and an unplanned c-section was intense. I was so swollen and in so much physical pain, I couldn’t move and I couldn’t even cry because it would hurt my incision. So instinctively, we created ‘communication captains’ so that we could keep our circle very tight and rely on these special people to communicate our wishes to our broader community on our behalf. We needed space because receiving a massive amount of cards, texts, calls, visitors would be energetically exhausting and all of my energy was dedicated to healing physically so I could grieve and mourn emotionally. We so appreciated people’s patience, because we needed them to hang out on the sidelines until we were ready to receive.
One of the things that I later learned, is that while our broader community was waiting in the wings to be invited in, they weren’t sitting idle. We had friends and family read baby loss and grieving books that we were reading, so they could get a glimpse into our experience. Colleagues had written condolence cards waiting to be sent and started to collect donations for Maisie’s memorial fund. Other friends gathered resources and contacts that might be useful in the future. My leadership cohort lit candles every day and wrote letters to Maisie to be shared at a later date. Our support squad was on point.
In the early days, we did need immediate help from our close circle. My parents traveled from Minnesota to Oakland the day before I got discharged from the hospital to be on hand if and when we needed them. They just took the initiative, rented an airbnb, and had no expectations that this would be a typical visit. They ran errands, cooked meals, and stayed with me so Ryan could have a caretaker break and go hiking. Most importantly, they helped to start the process to plan the cremation and memorial service for our baby.
A dear friend of mine - a psychotherapist, a mother, and baby loss survivor - helped me and Ryan on the path of healing. She met me where I was. She was gentle and yet, affirmed - “You are a bereaved mother. You are a mother whose child has died.” She knew what I needed, before I knew what I needed. She sourced therapists for us - our couples grief counselor and my postpartum therapist. She set me up a body treatment with a local womb healer who uses acupuncture, cupping, Moxi, and loads of loving energy to help my body heal. She also sent us memorial candles to burn for Maisie’s altar, books on parenthood and loss, and podcasts that featured sages and healers. And finally, she helped us find the perfect person to officiate Maisie’s memorial service. This selfless, holistic support displayed by my dear friend was pivotal in our healing journey.
As we walk down our path and explore what is needed now, we are inviting others along with us. It is important to us to keep Maisie’s name and essence alive, and to be seen as bereaved parents. When we were ready to engage with our broader community again, we communicated what we needed. We asked people to continue to check in with us and ask how we are doing today, as grieving is not a linear journey. Plus, as time goes on, bereaved parents need to hear more from their community as this is a lifetime journey. (As a note, my college girlfriends, the ever so organized and proactive crew, created a calendar of reminders so that someone is checking in daily or weekly - a symbol of solidarity that they are in this with me.) Furthermore, we asked people to help us honor Maisie by letting us know when they are reminded of her. And lastly, we asked our loved ones to help us celebrate special holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas and her Birthday.
Take a look at the Resource section of MaisieJoy.org. There are some ideas of what you can do or send to a loved one going through baby loss. Sometimes offering to do something for the bereaved vs. asking “how can I help” takes the burden off of them and allows for simple yes or no. For example, offer to drop off a meal or send a care package, offer to clean or run errands, or offer to sit in silence or watch Netflix with you.
And finally, if you are not sure about something, it’s okay to ask. It’s better to say something, than to say nothing at all. Somethings may not land quite right, but we are all learning on this grief journey. If your support squad is as committed as ours, they will stick with you through thick and thin.
With immense gratitude, thank you to our family, friends and community.