“…let us look up and out and around. The world is big and wide and wild and wonderful and wicked, and our lives are murky, magnificent, malleable and full of meaning.”
— Padraig O’Tuama
Legacy
How do you parent a child who has died? And how do you parent a child who barely had a chance to live? And how do you invite others to have a relationship with your child who is physically no longer here?
As parents, we are now custodians of our daughter’s legacy. We feel compelled to share her story, build her altar, and make an impact on her behalf. And we encourage our family, friends, colleagues and community to be part of her story.
Memorial Service
In the early days, when Maisie passed away, we were in shock and literally our brains could not make sense of anything. We relied on our intuition and feelings. We knew that we wanted to celebrate our daughter with some sort of memorial service. The service was important to us to acknowledge her existence, to honor her place in our family, for us to be seen in our pain and joy, and to invite others to get to know her.
We had a service for her on Saturday, March 27th at the Chapel of the Chimes. Interesting fact about the Chapel of the Chimes in Oakland, CA, (besides that it is located one block from our current residence) is that in 1928 it was redesigned by a world renowned architect, and first woman architect to be licensed in California, Julia Morgan. The feminine energy was on point in this peaceful slice of heaven.
The details for Maisie’s service flowed from our hearts. And with the help from Alia’s parents, the head of SF Zen’s center and close friends, a beautiful celebration was mindfully crafted at the Chapel. This celebration was everything I hoped it would be and more. It was like Maisie’s birth announcement, birthday parties, graduation, wedding ceremony, and memorial all wrapped in one day - because this was really the only ceremony she would have.
Five weeks postpartum and five weeks after Maisie’s death. I am not sure how I am standing, but my intention was to make Maisie proud. I felt the strength of my daughter as she lifted me up that day.
Altars
Another part of Maisie’s legacy and how we incorporate her in our everyday life, is keeping an active altar at home. This picture here is the first altar Ryan created when we got home from the hospital. We still have a version of this one in our living room area. We light her candle every morning when we say “good morning” to our sweet daughter. We say “good night” to her every evening as we blow out the candle.
We also created a communal altar in Maisie’s nursery, with all the offerings from our community after the service. When we have visitors, or zoom calls, we show people her altar to help her essence live on.
Community Impact
One of the other ways to amplify Maisie’s legacy is by giving back. Not only does it feel good to help others, but also it was another way for Maisie’s name to live on. We shared our intention with our family, friends and colleagues and were met with immense generosity. We raised over $15,000 in a few short months to give to two non-profit organizations in our area.
HAND of Bay Area - which stands for Helping After Neonatal Death - is the support group that we joined just two weeks after Maisie passed. We continue to show up every other week in this loving community who support parents who have lost babies before, during or after childbirth.
Girls Inc. of Alameda County - inspires all girls to be strong, smart, and bold. We felt Maisie would resonate with this organization and wanted to support girls in our county, so we donated funds to Girls Inc.’s elementary literacy program, as early childhood reading is an important indicator of future success.
The custom bookplate that will be placed in each book given to the elementary school in the Fall of 2021