Grief

“I didn’t mean to make you cry…” Trust me, you didn’t make me cry. My child dying, makes me cry.

“I didn’t want to upset you…” Trust me, you didn’t upset me. My child dying is eternally upsetting.

What I have experienced in today’s western society, is that we are generally not comfortable with death - let alone the death of a baby. And we are generally not comfortable witnessing - and sitting with - someone else’s pain - let alone your pain. We have to learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Losing a child is a crash course in becoming intimate with grief. Grief is an involuntary internal reaction to losing someone, or something. It’s an untamable beast - like ocean waves crashing upon you without warning, without apology. It can’t be avoided, or controlled or wished away. It is also not linear, and while the experience of grief can be unique, common feelings can include shock, denial, anger, sadness, despair, yearning, etc.

While grief is not optional, what you do with it, is. You can actively grieve - which is the process of giving grief an expressing as defined by Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D., author of “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.” And one can actively mourn - which is the process of coming to terms with your loss. Mourning includes actively grieving, as well as remembering, memorializing, adapting, adjusting, transforming and healing.

I found these distinctions, along with couples grief counseling, to be helpful when understanding my experience and the experience of my husband. Because Ryan and I grieve differently, witnessing each other’s expression of grief, can be confusing, maddening, comforting, and everything in between. In general, the two styles of grieving include emotion-oriented and activity-oriented as identified by Ken Doka and Terri Martin, in their book “Grieving Beyond Gender.”

Emotion-oriented grievers, like me, focus on feelings and expressing. My expression of grief can be intense, deep, visceral and is felt in the body. To release my grief, outlets like crying, journaling, getting a massage, talking in therapy, attending support groups, looking at photos of my baby, and sharing feelings work well.

Activity-oriented grievers, like Ryan, focus on assessing and doing. His emotions of grief are not as intensely felt as mine. Activity-oriented grievers focus on the facts, don’t dwell in the what if’s, and experience grief as an physical restlessness. I witnessed Ryan devote his whole being to taking care of me, the house and our responsibilities while I was physically healing. He also needed to stay busy with activities like hiking, painting rocks, and preparing to return to work.

I am so glad that we have this shared language and understanding of our individual style and needs, so we can fully be seen in our grief, we can feel safe to express our grief, and we can fully support one another.

With all this said, the intention of sharing this is to provide a first step in how to become comfortable with your grief and the grief of others. To be comfortable with the whole range of human emotions.

It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be upset. And it’s okay for you to witness me in those moments. It is one of the reasons why I won’t apologize for my feelings or outward expressions of grief. And all I need from you is to be willing to sit in the pain with me. (And if you are interested, I will share my learnings on how to “Sit in the pain” in a future post.)