Holidays after Loss

The holidays were tough. Really tough.

Every first - the first Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas - is especially excruciating.

She was supposed to be here.

How could I possibly celebrate anything? How could I possibly hold the enormous weight of grief and have any room to feel any ounce of holiday spirit?

The thing about holidays is that at least you know when they are approaching. You can prepare as best as you can. For me, that meant creating a safe place where I could unapologetically be myself - and allow whatever feelings come up at any time.

So my husband and I made the decision not to travel back to our hometown to see family. Of course this was disappointing, especially after not seeing family for the 2020 holiday season, but it was the right decision for us.

Then something surprising happened. A very dear friend came up with an idea of a Maisie Advent calendar of sorts. She dropped this package off on December 1 and it was filled with a card, a letter or a small wrapped gifted for every day leading up to Christmas. My college girlfriends all contributed to this beautiful expression of love.

As I unwrapped each gift and read each card, I felt compelled to decorate a Christmas tree - in honor of Maisie. My Maisie Tree. It displayed the unwavering love for Maisie from our community - and it gave me enough solace to allow joy to peek through this holiday season.