For Now

For now, I cry myself to sleep.

For now, I avoid seeing my friends’ newborns.

For now, I am not optimistic and bubbly.

For now, I do not have the capacity for small talk.

For now, I am short and to the point at work.

For now, I can not engage in pregnancy or motherhood conversation.

For now, I can not celebrate you at your baby shower.

For now, I do not have space for superficial concerns.

For now, I am angry when I see a baby announcement.

For now, I relate to people from a place of mourning and grief.

For now.

I am keenly aware that I am responding differently to people and situations after Maisie passed. My therapist has helped me frame what I am feeling and experiencing as ‘for now’ so that I don’t get swept up in thinking that I will feel a certain way forever.

I know that motherhood has changed me. I know that losing Maisie has changed me. I just don’t know to what extent yet.

But for now, this is me.